Talk to Learn not to Win

Sometimes we must take a step back in order to go forward.

I think it’s safe to say many of us have a tough time with really listening when we are in heated conversations. I think sometimes our emotions get in the way of remaining kind and productive. I deal with this personally so I wanted to go back and revisit this through an old share.

How often do we talk to learn and not to win? What do I mean by that? I mean, how often do we engage in conversations about any topic that may turn serious in which we are willing to learn instead of saying “ok you win”?

Its hard to recall when you have lived a long life all the things that have come out of your mouth but if you know yourself well enough you know the language you are used to using. For me and my journey and my life experiences the words “you win” in a discussion are foreign. Of course when you are passionate about that which you speak of you want others to at least understand if not respect where you are coming from but to feel a sense of winning the question is just what did you win?

When you know better you do better when I was younger I spoke because I wanted to be heard. I had strong opinions and always had to have my say. I became a mother and I was still the same way but then I gradually tweaked it to include a balance with my child. No longer was my view “the view” it was just “a view”. No longer was my opinion “the opinion” it was now about let me hear what you have to say so we can work at this “together”.

Today my daughter is a beautiful young woman in her mid twenties and we still talk a lot and about some very serious topics. We both have some very strong views but our love for one another and respect always brings us back to learning. We will never “win” if we are hurting one another. As parents it can be tough for us to see our children grow and have their own sense of self and opinions but that is what we strive for. That is why we put the long hours, late nights and endless energy towards. We want them to grow into healthy productive human beings.

Funny thing is I have this approach with my daughter and forget to translate it to my other relationships sometimes. I drop the ball often on the “listening” part so I can Learn not Win. This has been at times a tough process for me but old habits die hard right? These are the moments to learn from. Self -kindness and Mindfulness are the tools to grab onto at this time.

So next time you are caught up in your feelings about a subject matter that you feel strongly about instead of thinking win or lose think learn learn learn and it will blossom into win win win in the long run. Look at the bigger picture.

What are some ways we can practice this?

-slow down and breathe

-look at each other while you speak, it doesn’t have to be long but just long enough to acknowledge each other’s presence and value

-be aware its a conversation, not a game

-practice being in the other person’s shoes

-ask yourself “is this really that important?” at the end of the day

-be mindful of your words, carelessness never is pretty

This is what I’ll be doing my best to practice moving forward. What are your thoughts? Do you feel you have to “win” every time you engage in deep conversation about a passionate topic or any topic in general? Do you talk to learn or are you just rushing through? Are you willing to make some changes if you yourself are guilty of this train of thought? Share your experience.

Love n Light xo,


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